Trying to Outsmart My Anxieties

August 8, 2023

On the pages of Fellowship of the Ring Boromir says to Frodo “Is it not a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt for so small a thing?.” Words by J.R.R. Tolkien wonderfully and simply stated that can apply to more than just the ring of power. Fear and Doubt.

Fear and Doubt.

A force so strong it can paralyze the toughest. It's rooted in not knowing. The unseen. It’s that “what if'' of 1000 scenarios that can run through a mind. Even if it’s tried or attempted just once. That fear is not just wiped away.  It takes multiple attempts to get over the first hill, through the roller coaster of emotions.

I've never been afraid of water (that I remember). I have a natural ability to float and for me, closing my eyes as I float in the water is an amazing and relaxing feeling. 

Oceans, lakes, rivers, streams, puddles and even rain... all of them. 

I will swim, if possible. 

Canoe, Kayak or Raft any of them. 

Jump, stomp or simply allow myself to be splashed by all of the above. 

It's water. It will dry. I won't melt.

Not gonna lie however, with the inflatable kayak I recently purchased, I was worried that it had a hole, that I was slowly (extremely slowly) filling with water. My bottom was getting a bit soggy and each time I placed my hand in the bottom of the boat, the water felt deeper. Visions of me taking a bucket to scoop out the water filled my head. (not that I had a bucket)

Fear — this panicked bucket flailing scene seen in hundreds of movies encompassed every thought. Having my friend Kristen there to help snap me back to reality and out of the extremely stupid thought process occurring in my head, helped!

Cause honestly there have been zero times — ZERO — times this has actually happened to me. 

What's the one creative fear that still whispers in the back of your mind?

I think I try to see the other side of fear. It’s not that I’m not scared, worried about the outcome. It’s there. Big. Bold, in Black and White. It’s the “worst case scenario” playing on the big screen inside my head. 

There was a book, movie or something I heard once, and I’m really going to butcher this idea or concept but the gist; I call it the “then what?” concept.

The approach; mentally state the fear, then think - “then what”.

Using this technique — forces me to think of the “worst case scenario” in a different light.

Example:

I’m going to fail at “X”

Then what

I will try “A”

Then what

I will either fail or succeed

Then what?

Based on failure or success, I will then try again, give up or try plan B.

Then what?

The list can go on.

For me this “then what” concept allows me to see past the worry, see other options and base my next choice on the direction I want to go or the way I think will work best. Sometimes it doesn’t work out. Sometimes I fail horribly. Sometimes I make the right choice. Doesn’t mean my worries can’t or don’t get the best of me, they do. I’m after-all - human. Also I’m not a doctor, just someone trying to determine how to move past her own doubts.

Navigating the Landscape of Creative Worries and Doubts

These are just my own worries, it’s not something I usually share because I do not want pity, or sympathy. I don’t say these things for attention but because they exist. They are ALWAYS there. ALWAYS. Sitting right there in the back part of my brain waiting to attack any positive ideas, energy or creativeness. It’s 100% a normal daily thing for me to be hyper-critical of my work or creative thoughts. 

I believe that it was socially engrained (but that’s a longer, deeper conversation —for another time).

• I’m worried I’m going to fail at developing Wanderlust and Wit.

• That my photography is just blah. 

• That my designs are not good.

• That I do not have creative ideas people want to buy.

• That my work creatively is dated.

• That I’m not going to get back on the road and explore the world like I want.

• That it’s all been done before.

• That I do not have a story worth watching, listening to or reading.

• That the next idea is better.

• That my work looks like everyone else's

• That I am not an artist.

• That my storytelling is too personal.

• That I can’t seem to find that creativity (motivation) to get projects completed.

Like a true GenXer, I don’t base my self-worth as an artist on likes, thumbs up or subscribers. This worth is determined on how happy I was when I created it, captured it or edited the footage. When I find the perfect song, or snap that once in-a-lifetime-moment. That’s it. My endorphins are elevated. I am happy. 

Not saying that having those likes, comments are unwelcomed—however, It doesn’t impact me or my mood, if people swipe by, that is 100% their right. I know that not everyone will like a design, a photograph, or a story I share and I may not be everyone’s cup of tea. Mentally. No problem. Having studied a year of art history in college, I gained an understanding that while I may like specific works of Degas, Michelangelo or VanGogh, others don’t. I personally wasn’t a fan of abstract impressionism. I learned that everyone has a different taste, style and what they “saw” as art. 

I can accept and acknowledge it from others — just not myself. 

My fear for this week: Figuring out how to replace a window in my RV.

#tuesdayswithjoy